How to Live-Tweet a Wedding

(published in Express Tribune)

Twitter has enabled news to be transmitted within mere seconds. Now, ordinary people are able to take part in the way information travels and even add their opinion to it. Recently, many have  started using this platform to describe an event with a constant flow of tweets. This practice is known as “live-tweeting.“

The phenomenon of live-tweeting was popularised during the Arab Spring. Since then, we have seen many an incident being live-tweeted. Whether it is the Osama bin Laden operation, Whitney Houston’s funeral, or even an abortion, live-tweeting is the new fad.

So perfected is this practice that there even exist many guidelines on how to live-tweet an event.

I recently attended a wedding with a friend, where he came up with a hilarious, yet eerily real vision for future weddings. According to him, all marriage halls will have WiFi internet facilities, and both the bride and groom will live-tweet the ceremony using their iPads! As weddings have not yet reached this level of advancement, let me demonstrate my version of the live-tweeting of a desi wedding.

For the uninitiated, let me get you familiar with desi wedding lingo; dulha means bride-groom, dulhan means bride, saasu maa means mother-in-law (which in this particular scenario is the groom’s mother), and lastly, the baraat is the congregation of the groom’s family and friends that accompanies the groom when he goes for the nikah (marriage contract).

Dulha: All geared up and ready to lead the baraat to #marriage hall.#Sehra bandi going on. C u at 7  @dulhan #PkWedding

Dulhan: RT @Dulha C u at 7 *sharam*

#MashriqiLarki  #LastDayOfFreedom

Dulhan: At the beauty parlour, waiting for my turn. Accompanied by lil sis. #WaitingSucks

#LastDayOfBeingSingle

Dulha: Received 40 thousand in salami till now. That won’t even cover 1 way ticket of Malaysia. :((  #BrokenDreams #ChawalRishtaydar

Dulha: MOM I AM NOT GIVING THE iPAD UP,I KNOW IT’S MY WEDDING DAY, JUST LET ME KEEP IT

#ParentsNeverUnderstand #iAddict

Dulhan: Haye Sartaj (@Dulha), aisa bhi kia zulm kar rahi hen

@SaasuMaa? *sharam*

Dulhan: RT @Dulha  #ChawalRishtaydar  *sniggers*

Dulha: This stupid kulla hurts so much. Arghh

#StupidCustoms  #KiaBakwasHaiYe  #LetsBanKullas

SaasuMaa: @Dulha stop complaining, it’s the best day
 of ur lyf, and these r ur OWN relatives.

#NewGeneration doesn’t undrstand these thngs. #Frustrated

SaasuMaa: @Dulhan just wait a few hours, i’ll explain to u all the zulmthat is being done to ur ‘sartaaj’

#ShokhayLog  #OverSmart

Dulha: Finally reached the #Marriage Hall. Cousins and friends dancing in frnt. This kulla is #Killing mE.! :@ :@

#LetsBanKullas

Dulha: entering the hall after about an HOUR of dancing while I stood there uncomfortably. #BanDances #BanKullahs #FML

DulhanzFather: Such a Big #Baraat. Have these people brought EVERYONE that they knew. :@ they told us nly 200 ppl wil come #FML #BrokenPromises #LastMinuteSurprises

Dulha: All elders of my family hugged their counterparts 4m @Dulhan’s family. We r getting seated now. #Kullah in my lap now. #Khushi my legs hurt now.

Dulha: Nikah Khwan arrives. After the proceedings, I was asked to sign at 5/6 places on the form. I didn’t even READ the text on that form.!!! #OhShit #Things2AvoidWhenGettingMarried

Baaraati154: ROTI KHUL GAI JAY.!!! #KONY2012

SaasuMaa: Oh for heaven’s Sake, These people seem soo ravished, we thought we were marrying our beloved into a #KhaatiPeetiFamily. Lets #hope for her better future.

DulhanzFather: Someone just spilled Shorba on my clothes.!!! #FML A kid was over-run by another Baraati..May God Have Mercy on us. :((

RandomStranger:- How are you @Dulha @Dulhan @DulhanzFather @SaasuMaa  #PTISucks #FakeInqalab

ILovePTI: How dare you say such crap about our Chairman and party @RandomStranger @Dulha @Dulhan @DulhanzFather @SaasuMaa #ChangeWeBelieveIn #LiberalScum

Dulhan: The @MakeUpLady. Argghh. Die, just die. U ruined my face. I should’ve gotten make up at home and it would’ve cost less and I would look less horrible. #BanMakeUp
#ShitPakistaniBridesSay

Dulhan:- Finally reached the hall. Waiting for my family to escort me to the stage. #IhateWaiting

Dulha: And here comes the lady of the evening. Everyone rises from their seats. There is a National Anthem joke in there somewhere but I better not mention it. @Dulhan #FTW

Dulha: It took @Dulhan 20 minutes to travel 80 yards, courtesy her clothing, the fact that she can’t even look up & because everyone is dying to see her. She luks Alrite though.
No wonder #PkWeddings are a mess. #ThirdWorldProblems

Dulhan: @Dulha STOP staring.!! *Sharam*#Ican’tCallYourNameAfterToday #PkWeddings #NewBeginnings

Dulha: You are my “legally-wed wife” now, I will oggle all I can. RT @Dulhan STOP staring.!! #WhoSaidMarriedLifeIsScary #PkWeddings #NewBeginnings

Dulha: Lo and Behold, there come the “Doodh-Pilai” Squad.
All dressed up and full of intent to rob me. :@ #PkWeddings
#WhyDoTheyHaveToDoThis #BanDoodhPilai

DoodhpilaiSquad: Yayyy, got a jewellery set for each of us out of “Jeeju” #PkWeddings #NewWaysToGetRich

Dulha: Rukhsati happening now. No tears in the eyes of @Dulhan After all, the make up is damn expensive these days.
@SaasuMaa I hope the reception at our place will go good :P

Baraat departs.

Tweets end.